so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
