White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
