as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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