I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
you didnt know i had herpes?
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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