one two three fourrrrnication!
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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