Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
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