I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
