I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
Randomize
