Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
You ate ashes out of my bong
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Randomize
