Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
We had to coat check the pizza.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
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