I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
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