I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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