My Higher Power is John Stamos
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
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