me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
