just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
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