How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
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