We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
