College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
