So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
Randomize
