sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Randomize
