There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
