did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
Randomize
