I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
