I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
