If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
They took my balls.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
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