Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
