"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
