I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
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