Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
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