Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
