never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Randomize
