Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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