bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
He? As in you personified your dick?
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Randomize
