I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
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