Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
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