Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
