I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
Randomize
