I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
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