My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
