Michael Bay diarrhea
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
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