3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
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