Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
