Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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