I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Randomize
