I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Will exercising make me less horny?
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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