Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Randomize
