im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
