dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
