he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Randomize
