i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
