i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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