At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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